I feel terribly bad today. I did something so wrong and it hurt my friend - a good friend of mine in college. I feel really sorry. I shouldn't have said that, shouldn't even have thought of that. I should accept her for who she is, what she does and how she is, and I really did. Though sometimes there might be some conflicts or things that I'm not happy with, but I did not do what I usually do to other people, I did not keep a distance from her or think differently about her; instead, I got over those conflicts and negative feelings, and I continue to appreciate our friendship. I'm not double-faced or whatever, not like I pretend like very close to her in front and talk bad about her behind. What I do is I express my feelings to Jackie and then I forget about the things, I don't carry them with me at all time when I hang out with her. It's not about the person, but just those incidents that happened. I might not be happy with some situations, but never her.

I'm so afraid of ruining our friendship. I am feeling so scared now. I'm afraid that things will never be the same again; I'm afraid that our friendship cannot be the same again. I am worried, I am afraid and I am sooooooooo sorry. I'm not sorry for sending the msg wrongly, nor sorry for saying that, but I'm also sorry for having this thinking about what have happened.

I will pray and pray and pray, pray to God that my friendship with her can still be the same or even better, pray that nothing will affect our friendship. Lord, please take away those negative feelings in both of us, let us love each other like how you've loved us.

If you see this, my dear friend, I sincerely apologize for what I've done, said and thought. Love you always and Friends Forever

一天内经历两次的失败，我的信心指数急速下降。

我提起勇气，下定决心，参加了上星期六的MyFm公开面试。细节我们就免谈了，但不得不提Shu Er & Jackie，真的很感谢他们陪我到Astro去参加面试。虽然他们不能陪我进去，但他们也在外面等了我很久，在场外给予我精神上的支持。

为了这个面试，我准备了好多天，也很期待。加入媒体这个行列一直是我的兴趣，也是我的梦想，只是我从来没有如此坚定的踏出第一步。一次，一个名人的访问片段，启发了我，让我知道有梦就要去追求，无论是多么荒谬的梦想。当我下定决心要踏出我的第一步时，MyFm举办了这个公开面试。我知道，上帝听到了我的心声，这也许就是上帝为我开的路。或许我没有办法通过面试，但我知道这个机会是上帝给我的鼓励。

当我到了现场，发现已经有接近百人在等候，当时后我心里就已经很清楚知道，我成功的机率是近乎零。我真的很没有把握。我质疑的不是自己的能力，而是我有没有办法以我所有的来战胜其他人。

走进了Astro的大门口，我知道接下来就要靠我自己了。我跟着指示，登记了等等等等，我是第44位的参与者。我想也许是反应太过热烈，轮到我面试时，基本上评判已经没有兴趣和时间多问我问题了。我进入面试室不到两分钟就出来了。我心里有数，我没有任何特别之出让评判留下深刻的印象。像我有如此水准的人真的多不胜数，更多更多的人甚至有更高的水准，我这无名小卒又算得了什么呢？但感谢主，他加添给我力量及平安，纵使我的表现没办法让我脱颖而出，但我在面试时的表现让我毫无遗憾，因为我已经把我最好的都表现出来了。说真的，我进到面试室，一点紧张及怯场都没有，反倒是非常从容和镇定。失败了，我也没有什么好怨，只能说自己技不如人。

出发咯！！！我已经准备就绪了！！！

一路上，情雨濛濛...

在等候面试时，我把所有的精力都放在准备面试上，所以面试后才拍了几张照片。这是我的号码！

面试后，我马上赶去FCC为晚上的试音准备。对，那是为Faith Music正筹备的专辑而试音的。我准备了好一些日子，也特意去上了Vocal Lesson，我想我在歌唱方面也有了微不足道的进步，至少身边有些人这么说。我凭着信心，在上一次试音失败后，再接再厉地参加这一轮的试音。出来的结果并不如意，不只是不如意，而是惨不忍睹。回想上一次的试音，评审给我的评语是‘不知道要说什么’，他们已经没有任何话想对我说了。你可以想象那是多么惨败的经历吗？我的歌唱技巧是差到评审也没有话说了。那可以说是到了绝望的境界。

这一次，我凭信心走上台，凭信心唱出我平常练习的；结束后，评审团鸦雀无声，现场一度冷场。这一次的评语和上次一样，大家都没有话说。我...我的心碎了...我的努力换来的竟然是如此的回报。我真的是彻底地崩溃了。我宁愿评审团大肆批评，说我这个唱不到，那个唱错了，总比无言来的好，这样至少我知道我有进步的空间，至少我知道我是还有希望的。评审团的再次的无言，让我不知所措。没有人能够明白我当时的心情，也没有人愿意去明白。或许表面上的我依然很冷静，但我的内心却是如此地绝望，一颗心像是被火焰烧，被海水冲，被抛下谷底。我不明白，真的不明白。

试音后，我没有和Faith Music去喝茶。因为我不想对着一群不会理会我，不明白我，也不会关心我的人强颜欢笑。我一个人离开，脚踩着油门，手握着驾驶盘，一时间不知道要做些什么，更不想回家。我使尽全力踩着油门，在高速公路上毫无目的的往前冲。泪水不听使唤地从眼眶奔腾而出，脑里想着这是不是上帝在告诉我不应该继续留在Faith Music？或许这对很多人来说，只是小事一桩，但我当时的心情起伏真的不弱于黄河的澎湃。

透过车窗，望着我前面的道路，当时的我只想好好让自己颓废一下，把心中的苦痛完全遗忘。我想了很多方法，想找朋友出来喝茶，但又想不到有谁能够明白我的心情；想说找一些损友出来狂欢，我身边又其实没多少个损友；想说我房间好像还有几罐啤酒，但想到啤酒含有的糖分和卡路里，我就放弃这个念头了。我一路驾着车，一路想到底我要做些什么，忽然脑里闪出一个名字：Lee Jet。我马上拿起手机，管不了附近有没有警察，就拨了Lee Jet的号码。

这么迟找她，的确觉得很过意不去，但我想在晚上11点，也只有她愿意出来听我说话了。我们去了Taipan的McD, 点了2杯热腾腾的Milo。我把心里的感受全都告诉她。我们大概聊到凌晨1.30，什么天南地北都聊了一大番。和她的谈话，我的确是被提醒了。想当初我为什么要上Vocal Lesson，那是因为我希望能以我的兴趣在神的事工上，为神发光，荣耀神的名。如果现在我退出Faith Music，那我学习唱歌又有什么意义呢？我决定要继续留在Faith Music。这将是一个痛苦的决定，痛苦的经历。带着极度绝望的心情，被标志着‘失败’，与一班我连门儿都没办法融入的人一起，发展这个事工。我要如何扭转乾坤？唯有靠着神的力量，我要继续做回自己。

说真的，我在FCC一直都很痛苦，很不自在，因为我没有办法做回我自己。我个人认为我不是一个慢热和内向的人，也不是一个不讲话的人。但在FCC,因为一直被人遗忘，让我已经不知道我应该怎样去carry自己了。所以也许他们会觉得我不说话，不热情，甚至是封闭。我在FCC就像是一个被麻绳捆绑着蹄子的野马。有时控制不到自己，那种疯癫的性格不小心出现了一下，他们以为我受了什么刺激，为什么当时会特别High, 又或者他们会觉得我改变了。其实我只是一直都没有把真正的自己在FCC带出来。

神的能力是如此的强大，甚至是我们无法想象的。神的荣耀充满全地，他的荣光足以照亮一切一切的黑暗。我们人看来多么痛苦，多么惨败，多么绝望，多么严重的事情，在神的国度里，那又算得了什么？在神的眼里，我的经历都还比不上一颗沙子。真的，我遇到的问题算得了什么？实在是比微不足道更微不足道！我总把这些问题看得那么大，但能与神的荣耀和大能相比吗？开玩笑！有着神的同在和能力，告诉我，有什么我是挑战不了的？

我已经决定了，我真的决定了，我要重新回到Tambourine team，我要在Faith Music好好的混，我要在EE狠狠的干！！！最重要的是，我知道当我重新回到我的岗位时，我要如何来面对。我决定，我要做回自己！！！我要做回那个少了一根筋的我，做回那个两条筋黏在一起的我！！！

Alright, it's a little too late to post this now, but I still wanna share this experience! It was my first performance, I mean first Latin Dance performance. Actually, I'm lazy to tell the story in words, so just let the pictures do the work! ^^

Had lunch before gathering with other performers at HELP Residence cafeteria

with shu er

and Aevant

then Shu Er, Su Yuen and I went to Rachel's house to pick a cocktail dress because we were not informed that it's neccesary to bring, therefore we just went to the nearest place which was Rachel's house to get one

Yun then drove us to Park Royal Hotel where we're going to perform at, but we were stuck in a terrible traffic jam

finally we reached there and quickly started the rehearsal

Then we started preparing, doing make-up and changing in the ladies

not to forget, we took some perasan photo...

it's dinner time! but we got to eat hotel style fried rice only, instead of those ppl in the party eating the nice buffet :(

the construction workers...

oh it's my teacher! such an honor to be on the same dance floor with him HOHO~

after dinner, we went to the ladies to change to our performance costume

*TADA~~!*(it's supposed to be a sound effect XP) We were transformed into the WILD LATIN DANCERS!!! yea I know Shu Er was wilder and absolutely gorgeous!

the other performers

oh we were the first to go! danced 'Lady Marmalade'!!!

ending post!

after the performance, changed back to our cocktail dress and rocked the dance floor  once again!
 

final shot before we leave!

It was a great great great experience. Apparently I didn't dance well, I couldn't dance well, and I wasn't up to the standard yet. But see how merciful is God, He gave me this opportunity to learn and see more. I promised to glorify God, and that's what He gave me. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33 When you honor God, God will honor you. Actually, after the performance, I saw the tendency of me being pulled away from God, and people told me if I did, I should leave. Yes, I agreed with that too. But when I think again, what was my initial motive? I like dancing, and I am going to glorify God with the dance. Instead of quitting it now to escape from the Satan's attack, why not I grow stronger to conquer it with God's strength? I'm at war and I am not going to surrender, because I have the greatest weapon in the world - prayer and faith.

I really don't want to screw things up

But this really isn't my fault

neither yours, I know

It was just a miscommunication

But I do have emotions

Why do I have to keep quiet at all time?

Fine, Letz screw things up

This time, I admit

I'm the one who made it

So what? Who cares?

Since I am on leave now

We are not related and connected in any way

I just couldn't be bothered anymore

Pls, stay away from my life

Let me enjoy even it's just a split second of peacefulness in my life

HOho~~~ Had a great birthday this year! Not many birthday gifts I received, but I did get myself something new. Well, these few days really exhausted me. I probably have to tell my story starting from last thursday, 8 Oct 09. Officially, my first celebration was on 9 oct 09, 12.00am, but I count that as the midnight of 8 Oct 09. Haha~ Jackie came to my house at around 12am, I didn't know about that at all until I tried to reach him through msn for few times but no reply from him at all, then I sent him a sms: 'Don't think I don't know you leave your com on and coming to my house now...' Haha~~~!!! First surprise gone...

my 1st birthday cake!

group photo 1

the cake comes out from there?? :o

group photo!

My birthday is coming soon

But I don't feel excited at all

I can't even feel it coming 

I'm buried in stress and anxiety

God, now I know how much I need you

Now I know how important your will is to me

God, is what you want me to do the same as what the others expect me to do?

God, I want to know your will

I want to know what you want me to do

None can decide my life

Only You, God

You are the only one who can tell me what to do

You are the only one who can lead me in life

You are the only one who can decide how my life should be

No one else I will allow to decide my life for me

But God, I need your presence

You are my refuge, my shelter

My strength, my hope

My comfort, my joy

You are the king of kings, the lord of lords

You are above everything

I do not want to hear from anyone else

I only want to listen to You

Lord, I walk in Your path

And I know You walk with me

You never leave me alone

No matter what have I done

Because Your love is eternal

And I want to love you with all I have

Amen.

I'm officially off the team

either temporary or permanently

I do not know

Let God lead and decide

The most important thing is

I'm finally off the painfulness

I'm going to fully use this period of time

To fix the relationship between God and me

I love You, my refuge